Why Women Wait to Report Sexual Violence to the Police – And Why Some NEVER Tell

Reporting acts of sexual violence to the police is a huge step for any victim or survivor.

But under-reporting of sexual violence against women and girls is huge.

There are 3 key factors why women wait to report sexual violence to the police. And also why some women never report what they have experienced to the police.

In this post, we’re going to break down these 3 factors and consider why they are such huge barriers that contribute to the under-reporting of sexual violence against women and girls.

Factor 1: You Don’t Realise You’re a Victim of Sexual Violence

In her ground-breaking book, ‘Fix the System, Not the Women,’ Laura Bates carefully, delicately, yet unapologetically demonstrates how misogyny is all around us and is forced upon us from the day that we are born.

Here, I’ll refer you forward to posts where we will look at examples of much-loved films that place sexual violence towards women and girls right amid pop culture, passing it off as either comical, romantic or an everyday event that we just have to put up with because it’s how the world is.

• How Grease Negatively Influences VAWG Culture
• How American Pie Promotes Harmful Violence Against Women and Girls

For me, it took years to realise that I had been the victim of sexual violence not once but twice and at the hands of two separate individuals. 

With one of the incidents, I knew that it wasn’t right, but in my mind, I had been bought up with the myth that you’ve only been sexually assaulted if you’ve been raped. Therefore, if it wasn’t rape, it wasn’t assault or abuse. 

I also grew up with the myth that only a certain type of woman or girl was sexually assaulted.

These women and girls were weak, couldn’t look after themselves, were ‘asking for it’ in the way that they dressed, and probably a whole host of other stereotypes that I now do not believe or associate with at all. I was none of these things and so I couldn’t have been sexually assaulted.

Sure, I wore short skirts, but I didn’t dress like a slut.

I wasn’t weak.

I could look after myself.

What about that description tells you that I was a candidate for sexual violence?

Of course, I now know differently and know that perpetrators of sexual violence can target people of any class, socio-economic status, educational background, and any other characteristic that a person can use to identify themselves.

I was naive to think that I couldn’t be the victim of sexual violence, and so was society.

These perpetrators knew that, and they exploited those naiveties.

What is Grooming?

How Groomers ‘Market’ Themselves

Grooming a person is a clever game.

We’ve all been groomed to some degree in our lives. Groomed to buy things we don’t need by clever marketing campaigns, groomed into our future careers by career teachers and university media, groomed to watch the latest Disney films.

It’s not malicious, but it’s grooming, nonetheless. But if we replace the word ‘grooming’ with ‘marketing,’ it’s ok, isn’t it? 

Is that a key factor for groomers?

Aren’t they just marketing themselves as something else?

As the charming guy.

As the reliable volunteer.

As the favourite employee.

In my case, both individuals marketed themselves as respectable members of society. With that in mind, it’s no wonder that no one saw what they were doing as acts of grooming. Because when perpetrators groom their victims, they aren’t just grooming that individual. They are grooming those around them to make sure that they aren’t detected or linked with these acts of sexual violence. 

And if you aren’t convinced by this argument, I’m going to reply with two words: Jimmy Savile. 

And if you still aren’t convinced, here are another two words: Rolf Harris. 

Still need convincing? Huw Edwards. 

Hopefully, you get the point, so I’ll stop listing high-profile examples of individuals who marketed themselves to millions of people in one way, whilst they subjected and condoned numerous individuals to abhorrent sexual violence.

In this way, what I experienced as the victim of grooming was just a microcosm of these larger-scale examples. But because the media concentrates on extreme examples of sexual violence, it means that women and girls who are victims of less extreme examples perhaps don’t associate their experiences with sexual violence.

Factor 2: As a Victim, You’re Made to Feel Silly or Stupid for Falling for the Coercion

I’m going to repeat this again: coercion is a clever game.

You aren’t meant to see it coming.

That’s the point of its role in the process of grooming.

Being groomed does not make you stupid or silly.

As I’ve said, we’re thrown all of these images and stories from a very young age that normalise sexual harassment, sexual assault, and sexual violence. And if someone is treating you like a friend, why would you automatically assume that they are grooming you?

You can’t possibly suspect every person you’ve ever come into contact with as being a potential perpetrator of sexual violence. Or that every person you ever will come into contact with in the future might groom you for their own sexual gratification.

You’d be exhausted, never leave the house, and never have any meaningful relationships. 

So, it stands to reason that you don’t see the grooming happening because most of the time, groomers act like any other friend or partner would.

The difference is that their intentions are not the same as a normal friend or partner. Whilst your partner might bring a bottle of wine around to your house one night, they aren’t expecting you to say thank you with sexual favours.

When your friend picks up the tab for a pizza you shared on a night out, it’s probably because you paid for the meal out the previous time and they’re returning the favour. They aren’t going to turn the situation around and make out like they can feel you up because you now owe them something. 

When reflecting on abuse, victims and survivors may struggle with that, on the face of it, they appeared to consent to these activities. But, as Jane Monkton-Smith so eloquently puts it, is consent really consensual if you’re coerced into giving it?

Processing experiences of sexual violence doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process where you need to be kind to yourself and be prepared for it to be a journey. 

Why? 

Because you’re deconstructing the relationships you knew and reconstructing them as something else. This is a huge amount of effort on you emotionally. 

The other part of feeling silly or stupid for being groomed comes from the number of campaigns over the years telling people how to spot the signs of grooming.

And these campaigns, however well-meaning, unfortunately, feed into the self-blame game of ‘I should have seen it coming.’

‘I Knew It All Along’ – How Hindsight Bias Supports Victim Blaming

But let’s just take a moment to deconstruct some of the signs of grooming that these campaigns tell us. 

The NSPCC gives the following list of signs that could mean that a child or young person is being groomed: 

• ‘Sudden changes in behaviour, such as spending more or less time online; 

• spending more time away or going missing from home or school; 

• being secretive about how they’re spending their time, including when using online devices; 

• having unexplained gifts, big or small; 

• misusing alcohol and/or drugs; 

• having a friendship or relationship with a much older person; 

• developing sexual health problems; 

• using sexual language that you wouldn’t expect them to know; 

• seeming upset or withdrawn; 

• mental health problems.’ 

They also state that ‘signs of grooming can easily be mistaken for ‘typical’ teenage behaviour, but you may notice unexplained changes in behaviour or personality or inappropriate behaviour for their age.’ 

No sh*t. 

As a 16–18-year-old, which of these signs stands out to you of someone being groomed exactly?

When I was this age, we all had sudden changes of behaviours; we were studying for GCSEs and A-levels; we were growing up; we were secretive because we were usually out drinking somewhere we shouldn’t have been; we had friends older than us, largely due to having older siblings; we were experimenting with cigarettes and alcohol; we were starting to become more interested in sex and therefore using sexual language; and as for mental health problems – don’t get me started. I seem to be part of the generation where everyone has a mental health diagnosis and accompanying prescription of some sort. 

But the point that I am making here is that this list of signs is so vague that it could apply to most people, particularly nearly any 16-18-year-old females, most of whom are not being groomed. 

Another example of the warning signs of grooming comes from a local leaflet and gives the example of a young person being given expensive gifts such as trainers or computer games. 

Seriously? 

If a teenager is given trainers or computer games, we’re supposed to be suspicious that they’re being groomed?

First, who even buys computer games anymore?

Aren’t games nearly all downloaded now?

And second, I know plenty of people who wear knock-off trainers or save up all their money for branded trainers.

You can’t honestly tell me that computer games and trainers are a sign of grooming? 

But whilst these warning signs are not wrong, they also don’t tell the whole picture.

After all, if we were suspicious of every teenager who had new trainers and new computer games, we’d think they were all being groomed.

It’s an overly simplistic sign of grooming that doesn’t really help people identify grooming behaviours at all.

Last year, I sat in a safeguarding training course where I was told to look out for kids carrying £20 notes, as this was likely a sign that they were being groomed.

Again, whilst this might be true for some children who are groomed, we can’t be suspicious of every person under the age of 18 who carried a £20 note with them being a victim of grooming.

We use campaigns to over-simplify the warning signs of grooming, but the reality is that these well-meaning campaigns can add to the feelings of silliness, stupidity, and self-blame felt by a victim.

But as I keep saying, grooming is manipulative – you aren’t supposed to see it coming. You aren’t supposed to be aware of it going on, and you’re not supposed to know the intentions of the groomer. 

It doesn’t mean that you’re stupid or silly or that you didn’t spot the signs. It means that you were maliciously manipulated and taken advantage of.

That’s not your fault; it’s theirs as the perpetrator. 

Factor 3: The Individual Has Relationships with People in Powerful Places

So often, although not always, perpetrators use their links with others to gain access to their victims and for their activities to go undetected. Again, I’ll use the following two words: Jimmy Savile.

He was hanging out with royalty and high-profile celebrities, winning awards, and building his ‘Holier-than-thou’ reputation. How was this guy possibly doing any wrong?

Through his work and notoriety, he had access to any hospital, children’s foundation, youth club, school, or voluntary organisation that he wanted. 

And quite often, it’s these links with people in powerful places that perpetrators use to keep their victims and anyone suspicious of them silent. I mean, how many people are going to speak out and report abuse at the hands of someone hanging out with a Queen?

Within that question lies the very problem.

We assume that because of who someone spends time with or is related to, they can’t possibly be responsible for sexual offences. 

And groomers play into this.

These individuals who commit sexual offences often exploit their social connections and positions of power to protect themselves from scrutiny and accountability. This manipulation of influence can create an environment where victims are less likely to come forward and where suspicions and reports are often ignored or downplayed.

Why would the person whose parent or sibling is such an amazing individual possibly be committing sexual offences in front of everyone?

Perpetrators with connections to people in powerful places are one thing.

But perpetrators with connections to people in law enforcement or government have an added layer of protection.

If a groomer or offender has a family member within the police force, there might be a perceived or actual bias in how investigations are handled.

Or at least, this could be a concern of the victim.

Reports could be deprioritised, evidence overlooked, or cases dismissed prematurely.

I’d like to think that this would never be the case, but I’m not naive enough to think that certain cases are conveniently explained away based on someone’s personal connections. 

But I don’t want to turn this blog post into a conspiracy theory about police investigations. In my experience, I’ve only dealt with officers who are a credit to their profession.

However, we do need to acknowledge as a society that the culture of silence and secrecy surrounding influential families and individuals contributes significantly to the protection of certain perpetrators.

In many cases, family members or people close to them might be aware of sexual abuse but choose to remain silent to protect the family name or their reputation.

But this just causes more damage to victims, who can then be fighting yet another barrier in their journey for help and justice.