If you’ve landed on this page wondering to yourself what to say to someone who has been sexually abused, assaulted, harassed, then you’re in the right place.
We know how important and powerful words can be. They can support someone in a meaningful way, or completely discredit and destroy someone’s sense of self-worth and completely invalidate their experiences. As a survivor of sexual violence, the latter is particularly devastating, as the wrong choice of wording can seriously undermine someone’s trauma healing progress.
When someone chooses to disclose that they’ve experienced sexual abuse or exploitation, they are often holding years of silence, shame, and pain inside of them. Therefore, when they people do open their mouth to speak, the way you respond can either empower them, or shut them up all over again.
In a previous post, we discussed the 4 Everyday Phrases that Promote Victim Blaming…And What To Say Instead. In this post, we considered the damaging phrases that unintentionally cause harm to victims and survivors of sexual assault and abuse. Writing this post got me thinking, though, about the reverse of this problem and what people have said to me that have actually supported me and validated my experiences.
The phrases that I’ll suggest within this post aren’t magical. They won’t automatically fix anything. And others may interpret them differently to me. And that’s fine. Like everything that I write about on this blog, it’s all open for interpretation.
But…
And here’s the but…The phrases that I suggest in this post are trauma-informed. They focus on empathy, are meaningful, empowering, and hold respect for the fact that the person telling you their story knows it better than anyone else. All of them have been said to me at one point or another, but I will say that phrases 1, 2, and 3 have been the most impactful on me in terms of validating my experiences and being given ownership of the conversation.
At the end of the post, I’ve included some additional tips for you if you’re in a position of wondering what to say to a victim of abuse or how to comfort someone who has been sexually harassed or abused. This is because it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it too.
I hope that by the end of this post, you will feel more confident when offering support to someone who opens up to you and you’re supporting someone who has experienced sexual abuse.
1. What Would You Like to Tell Me?
This was the very first question that I was asked in my ABE (Achieving Best Evidence) interview with the police that kicked off that whole interview. I remember sitting nervously in an armchair actually giggled (I’m a nervous giggler), saying “I don’t know what to say.”
The police officer was amazing. She smiled and simply said, “What would you like to tell me.”
There was no pressure. No sense that I had to get it ‘right’ or say things in a certain order.
That one question gave me agency in a situation where everything else felt out of my control. It made it clear that what I had to say mattered, in whatever form I gave the information in.
It wasn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations. It was simply about telling a story. My story. And telling it in whatever confusing, illogical and raw manner in which is came out.
I’ll never forget it. It’s such a simple phrase and it was so profound for me that I went on to use this phrase as the title one of my book chapters in It’s All Your Fault.
“What would you like to tell me?” is a question that I’ve adopted into my own professional practice and it never ceases to amaze me how simple a question can have such an impact.
Whether someone wants to disclose abuse or just talk through a tough time, this phrase helps remove the fear of not knowing where to begin.
2. You Were a Child
This phrase is particularly relevant when you’re supporting someone who was sexually abused as a child. It may feel like you’re stating the obvious, but for me, at least, this phrase was validation that I was not old enough to understand or see what was going on. Being told these words helped to contribute towards me realising that none of this was my fault.
Yes, I was over the age of 16, but I was under the age of 18 for most of what happened. I was legally a child.
I talk about the use of this phrase in my book, It’s All Your Fault, and the context in which it was said. The person saying this was not just stating the obvious; she’d read my face and heard what I was really saying and tried to alleviate the self-blame and guilt that was plaguing me.
Because, like so many survivors of child sexual exploitation, I was (and sometimes still am) filled with these emotions which can lead to thoughts of:
- Could I have said no?
- Was I too flirtatious?
- Did I lead them on?
And in society’s eyes, especially when the abuse doesn’t fit the stranger-danger stereotype, there’s this horrific tendency to ask what the child did to ‘encourage’ the abuse.
This phrase cut through all of that. It reminded me, very clearly, that I had no responsibility in what happened.
I wasn’t complicit.
I wasn’t mature enough to consent.
I was a child.
And the adults around me should have protected me.
3. What’s Going On?
Sometimes support doesn’t come from a professional or a planned moment. Sometimes it comes from a friend who just knows that something isn’t quite right and gets the sense that you need to talk.
This question was asked by a friend of mine at the very beginning of the police investigation. She could see that something was bothering me—something bigger than a bad day. And instead of saying “Are you okay?” (which we all know invites the automatic “Yeah, I’m fine”), she asked, “What’s going on?”
It’s amazing how this simple shift of phrasing stops someone from going into autopilot.
“What’s going on?” doesn’t allow for the standard “Fine, thanks, you?” that you get with “Are you ok?”
It also doesn’t sound quite so casual and throwaway as “Are you ok?” does.
For me, “What’s going on?” opened a door. The phrase is gentle, but curious. And whilst you could argue that a quick response could be “Not much, you?” because it isn’t an expected question in the way that “Are you ok?” is, it catches you off guard and suddenly you’re speaking before you realise that you are or before you’ve had a chance to shut yourself down.
And that’s when you need to talk the most; when your mouth is speaking before your mind has told you to shut up.
This phrase is similar to “What would you like to tell me?” in that it hands the power back to the person speaking. There’s no demand. Just interest and space.
It’s one of the reasons I think this kind of question is gold when someone is clearly struggling but unsure how to open up and again is a question that I’ve since adopted into my professional practice.
4. That Sounds Really Hard
Validation is life-changing.
When survivors feel able to speak out, they’re often terrified of being doubted. This is part of the manipulation of abuse. And a lot of these fears are based on victim-blaming attitudes such as:
- “Why didn’t you leave?”
- “It can’t have been that bad if you stayed/went back.”
- “You probably led him on.”
- “He always seemed so lovely/helpful/incapable of doing those things.”
These fears can be especially true if the abuse happened years ago, or doesn’t come with ‘proof’. That was something that I battled with a lot in my ABE, and I remember asking several times over the police investigation questions, such as “How do I prove this?”
As the police officer I was dealing with kept telling me, it wasn’t my job to prove anything. That was her job. I just needed to tell my story and let the police get on with their job.
Other ways of validating someone’s experiences and act as an alternative to “That sounds really hard,” include:
- “I believe you.”
- “You must have been terrified.”
Each of these phrases may feel small, but the sentiment behind both of them is one of the most important things you can say.
“You must have been terrified,” was said to me by the same person who said, “What’s going on?” The phrase took me by surprise, and all I could reply was, “I was.”
I cannot tell you how validating that phrase was. For someone to acknowledge how I felt in that moment meant so much and was such a relief that I wasn’t going to be judged. That I hadn’t bought anything on myself. And that the blame for what happened lay entirely with him.
This choice of phrases that validate what someone is telling you shows empathy, but without pity. “That sounds really hard,” or an alternative such as those suggested above, honours the emotional weight of what was just shared. It doesn’t downplay or rush to fix the issue. These phrases just hold the moment and encourage quiet validation.
And this is a key part of trauma-informed communication. Witnessing someone’s pain without questioning, comparing, or trying to explain it away.
5. Take Your Time
This phrase can apply to so many points in the healing journey. Whether someone is deciding whether to report their abuse, trying to make sense of their memories, or just telling you what happened; it’s so important that you let the conversation go at their pace.
I was once told by a counsellor that rushing trauma healing can often have the reverse effect that people want. Because when you force your mind to cope with things it’s not ready for, you actually make your trauma recovery journey longer than it needs to be. This is something that’s stuck with me for a long time. Especially when I was trying to rush therapy to get everything out of my head.
he truth is, I can rush through therapy all I want; but if I’m not ready to deal with something, I’m not ready. And I can’t force or rush that process.
I was also told this by the police officer both in my ABE and at subsequent follow-up meetings. As with counselling, I wanted to rush through my disclosures because I wanted the conversation to be done.
But that wasn’t going to help me. I needed to take my time (I think my initial ABE took nearly two and a half hours) to be able to say everything that I felt that I both wanted and needed to say.
The phrase “Take your time” acknowledges that healing isn’t linear and that they don’t have to squeeze everything into one breathless conversation.
It’s also a reminder that silence is okay.
That tears are okay.
Not knowing what words to use is okay.
That fumbling for words is okay.
This phrase gives people permission to be messy, which is often exactly wht is needed, because messy is often what disclosing and healing looks like.
6. You Didn’t Deserve That
Let’s be honest: a lot of survivors grow up or go through abuse thinking they did somehow deserve what they experienced.
At this point, I’m going to refer you to the post 4 Everyday Phrases that Promote Victim Blaming…And What To Say Instead where we discussed the phrase “What Goes Around Comes Around” and how this can inadvertently promote the idea that someone deserved to be abused, rather than the fact that the exact opposite is actually the truth.
Let me be absolutely clear:
Nobody deserves abuse. Ever. (I pretty much never use italics or bold in this blog, but this is in bold, so sit up and pay attention.)
Abuse nearly always includes some sort of emotional or manipulative behaviours, especially if the abuser was someone in a position of power or trust.
“You didn’t deserve that” is a gentle but firm rejection of internalised blame. It helps to remind someone that they didn’t cause the abuse and that they were worthy of love, safety, and respect both then and now.
Yes, this phrase won’t eliminate weeks, months, or years of internalised self-blame and self-doubt, but this phrasing can help towards someone dissect those feelings and start to overcome the thoughts that they did somehow deserve or were somehow responsible for what happened.
If I haven’t said it enough on this blog, I’ll say it again: abuse and assault is ALWAYS the fault of the perpetrator and never the victim. No argument.
Finally, this is a phrase that works beautifully even when you don’t know all the details of what someone has experienced. You’re not asking them for more information or details. You’re just offering reassurance and validation.
7. Thank You for Trusting Me
This phrase I never even considered using before this whole saga. Sure, I’d used a phrase such as “Thank you for telling me” before, but “Thank you for trusting me” hits so much more in the heart.
You see, as someone who has experienced violence against women and girls (VAWG) in the form of sexual assault, I can’t explain how hard it is to put my trust in other people.
Being told “Thank you for trusting me” does a couple of things as a victim/survivor:
- It reminds you that you can trust people again. Not everyone is like your abuser and not everyone will manipulate your trust and use it against you.
- Even when you think that you’ll never trust anybody, this phrase works by subtly and inadvertently telling you that you have found someone you can trust and that they appreciate the trust that you have shown them.
If you’re reading this post from the point of view of someone who has never experienced abuse, believe me when I say that disclosing abuse is one of the most difficult things a person can do.
When someone chooses to share their story with you, they’re handing you something incredibly fragile and personal.
And you replying to them by saying “Thank you for trusting me,” honours that trust and acknowledges the strength that this person has had to show to get them to the point of sharing these experiences with you. It doesn’t matter if you’re the first person they’re disclosing to, or the hundredth. That trust in you deserves to be respected and thanked.
For me, this phrase helps build further trust and create a sense of emotional safety moving forward, especially if the survivor wants to continue talking.
Why Words Matter So Much
In my own experience, the words people say after a disclosure are hugely impactful and stay with you for weeks, months, or even years.
It’s like the saying that goes round on social media every so often: People remember what you made them feel.
But a thoughtless or rushed phrase can do real harm. It can shut someone down, send them spiralling into self-doubt, or make them feel like their story doesn’t matter.
That’s why trauma-informed language matters. It’s not about walking on eggshells. It’s about offering support in a way that doesn’t centre your own discomfort or assumptions.
6 Best Practice Tips for Supporting Someone Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted
Saying the right words is one thing. The delivery of them is quite another.
Here are some tips for how to speak to someone who has been sexually abused or assaulted:
Tip 1: Use Phrases Such As the Ones in this Post with Authenticity
Don’t just parrot phrases that you think will help. Speak from a place of real empathy.
Words are only meaningful and supportive when they are well-intended and come from a place of support.
Tip 2: Be Aware of Your Tone and Body Language
A phrase like “I believe you” is only powerful if it’s said with sincerity and compassion. Equally, if you are using the phrases from this post with terrible body language, for example, you are obviously distracted, they are going to hit in the same way.
Tip 3: Let the Person You Are Talking to Lead the Conversation
At the end of the day, these phrases in this post are tools for starting or encouraging a conversation. The person speaking should always set the pace and direction.
Tip 4: Don’t Expect Disclosures to Follow a Linear Pattern
Trauma manifests itself in all sorts of ways in a survivor of abuse. When disclosing their experiences, people might stop, backtrack, or change their mind as to opening up to you.
That’s okay.
Equally, people might get muddled with timelines of events and other particular details. This doesn’t mean that what they’re telling you is wrong or made up.
Trauma can do all sorts to the human mind and what you need to remember is that someone is now trying to tell you some of the worst parts of their life that they’ve potentially been spending weeks, months, or even years trying to forget.
Tip 5: Follow Up, But Don’t Push the Person
A bonus phrase for this post is: “I’m still here if you ever want to talk again.”
This phrase is a good way to keep the door open for future conversation, without any pressure or expectation.
Tip 6: Know Your Limitations
As with anything, you need to know your limitations when you are supporting someone who has been sexually abused or assaulted.
Depending on who is disclosing to you and in which circumstances, you might need to pass your concerns on to a Designated Safeguarding Lead. This is particularly true if, for example, you work in a school and its a child making the disclosure.
Equally, you might need to contact the police if you are concerned that a crime is being committed and people are still at risk.
Remember, it’s always better to be open with someone if you’re going to share their disclosure and why you need to share what they’re telling you. This is a whole topic in itself and I’ll likely follow up with a specific blog post relating to sharing what someone has disclosed to you in the future.
Supporting someone and listening to them disclose information to you can take its toll mentally, so be sure to practice self-care activities to support yourself during this time.
Questions
What should I avoid saying to someone who discloses abuse?
The thing that springs to mind to answer this question is to never question the memory of someone’s experience.
Phrases such as “Are you sure?” or “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” contribute to victim-blaming culture and can feel like accusations rather than someone being curious.
Fundamentally, it doesn’t matter why someone didn’t say anything sooner. And false allegations of sexual abuse, assault, and rape are not higher than any other form of crime.
You wouldn’t ask someone if they were sure if they were robbed or in a car crash, so why would you ask if they’re sure about being a victim of sexual violence?
What if I don’t know what to say?
That’s okay.
You aren’t expected to always know what to say. You can simply say, “Thank you for telling me. I’m here to listen.”
You don’t need perfect words, but they do need to be genuine and sincere.
Can I ask questions about what happened?
In my opinion; not really. I would always suggest avoiding pressing for details, especially in a way that sounds like you’re fact-checking them. This is someone’s story that they’re trusting you with. It’s not your opportunity to turn it into an interview.
Additionally, if is going to go to the police with their disclosure, or the police are currently investigating, you might want to avoid gaining too much information as this could affect a police investigation.
Why?
Because the more someone speaks about their experiences, the less information gets included each time. Equally, you don’t want to say something that could corrupt evidence further down the line.
How do I support someone long-term after a disclosure?
It’s important that you’re thinking long-term about supporting someone, because it means that you recognise that support doesn’t stop once someone has disclosed their experiences to you.
Sometimes, disclosures contributes to someone being retraumatised because they’re relived what they originally experienced.
Supporting someone long-term can look like the occassional check in where you offer to help with practical things, offer a cup of tea, or just to get out and enjoy an activity together. Respect their boundaries and remind them they’re not alone, and they’re not a burden.
Final Thoughts
Throughout this post, we’ve looked at how and what to say to someone who has been sexually abused. These phrases can work in a multitude of situations, including someone disclosing current abuse, or sexual abuse that happened when someone was a child.
The point is that it doesn’t matter when the abuse or assault took place; it’s about holding space for the person who is choosing to tell you about their experiences now.
Words won’t fix everything. But the right words, especially when offered gently, with empathy, sincerity and respect, can make a survivor feel less alone. Less ashamed. Less invisible. And importantly, validated and more in control of their experiences.
And this control and validation should never be underestimated.
