“Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The old-school rhyme that has never been less true when it comes to victims and victim-survivors of violence against women and girls (VAWG).
Because yes, physical violence hurts. But so do words.
And sometimes, it’s the well-intentioned words that can cut the deepest when people don’t understand how seemingly supportive phrases can actually have the opposite effect, making the victim feel worse.
Victim blaming isn’t just about outright accusations and obvious acts to silence victims. It often hides in the everyday things people say without thinking. Especially in cases of violence against women and girls (VAWG). It’s these kinds of “supportive” phrases that can unintentionally make victims feel responsible for what happened to them.
Sidenote: Perhaps that should say “more responsible,” because we know that victims of VAWG often carry a lot of self-blame for what happened to them, even though abuse is never the victim’s fault.
In this post, we’re diving into common examples of victim blaming in everyday language that are often said with good intentions, but can leave survivors feeling dismissed, judged, or even blamed. Whether you’re a friend, professional, or ally looking to support survivors of abuse, recognising and rephrasing these harmful statements is a simple but powerful way to create safer, more supportive conversations.
Hopefully, by the end of this post, you’ll not only understand how everyday language can reinforce rape culture and victim blaming, but you’ll also feel more confident knowing what to say instead. I also hope that you will know how it’s the small changes in everyday language that can really help to challenge myths around abuse, rather than reinforce them.
The Effects of Victim Blaming Phrases
Victim blaming phrases, no matter how well-intentioned, can have profound effects on both the individual victim of abuse and also the wider society. This is because victim blaming phrases:
- Prevent people from coming forward and reporting their experiences
- Shift the blame of what has happened, or is happening, from the perpetrator to the victim/survivor
- Reinforce that perpetrators can ‘get away’ with these behaviours and crimes
- Prevent people from seeking help
Using such language can also cause ‘secondary victimisation’ to occur. A quote I found about secondary victimisation online states:
Secondary victimization wrongs victims in their capacity as knowers.
I think this is just so powerful. Because it’s essentially saying that secondary victimisation, that is, shifting the blame of an offence from the perpetrator to the victim, means that you are undermining the experience of what the victim went through.
You might have similar experiences to a victim, but you may not. But nothing gives anyone the right to devalue what a victim of abuse has experienced and make them feel responsible for these experiences, either.
So, without further ado, this post promised you a list of well-meaning things not to say to trauma survivors, so here we go.
1. “It Made You Stronger”
The first of our victim blaming examples, and probably one of the most frustrating: “It made you stronger.”
No hate to Kelly Clarkson here, “What Doesn’t Kill You (Makes You Stronger)” is a fantastic throw-back song, but it isn’t necessarily true. Because what I experienced, and what millions of other women and girls have experienced, didn’t make us stronger.
No. I, and they, managed the aftermath of abuse because we had to.
Survivors aren’t forged like steel through suffering. We adapt, we survive, we do what we need to in order to keep going. But that doesn’t mean the abuse was character-building or somehow “worth it” because we came out stronger. This was abuse that we experienced, not a Duke of Edinburgh expedition or a sports tournament.
Telling someone that abuse made them stronger can feel like a twisted silver lining, where the pain is dismissed and the trauma becomes a stepping stone to some kind of resilience badge. But this is the reality of the thing: I didn’t need to suffer abuse in order to become strong.
You might argue that I was already a strong person and that this strength just hadn’t had a need to surface yet.
What I needed was someone to suspect something might have been going on, to raise some concerns, to support me, and to protect me.
And what I need now is for people to validate what I experienced and not making out that what happened was somehow a favour to how my character has been built to make me the person that I am today.
What You Could Say Instead
Instead of “It made you stronger,” try this: “You’ve shown so much strength. I’m sorry you ever had to.”
2. “What Goes Around Comes Around”
This phrase is often said as a way of saying that the perpetrator will get what they deserve. However, “What goes around comes around” also plants the seed that the victim somehow deserved what happened.
And this is never the case. No-one ever deserves any type of abuse.
But think about it: If you’re saying that the perpetrator has done something bad and therefore something bad will happen to them, surely you’re also saying that what happened to the victim happened because of something they’ve done in the past. This phrase can quietly imply that what I experienced was some kind of karmic balancing act and that I did something to bring the abuse on myself.
I know that this phrasing is usually only used and meant to offer hope that the perpetrator will eventually face justice or karma. And sure, sometimes they do.
But sometimes, and unfortunately, all too often, they don’t.
Less than 3% of rapes in the UK result in prosecution. And grooming is a notoriously difficult crime to pin on someone. Why? Because if assault didn’t take place, it’s very, very hard to prove someone’s intentions. Equally, it’s easier than it should be to use a victim’s fear response of flop, fawn, or freeze, against her.
Victims already carry far too much misplaced guilt when it comes to violence against women and girls. And phrases such as “What goes around comes around” only add to the feelings of self-shame and guilt.
What You Could Say Instead
Instead of “What goes around comes around,” try this: “You didn’t deserve what happened. I hope there’s justice for you.”
3. “Perpetrators Are Clever”
Ugh! I hate this phrase so much! Are you implying that I was dumb?
This was actually the phrase that inspired this blog post in the first place. I was sitting in a talk about online safety for parents and one of the participants kept talking about how clever these perpetrators are.
I’ll say now, this person doesn’t know me, or my background, or my experiences. They weren’t to know how I would take this comment.
I think they were just making (and continually reinforcing) that groomers are calculated and manipulative and know what they’re doing.
But the repetition of the phrase “these guys are clever” and similar, just chipped away at me as the presentation went on. Because by repeating this thought-process, what this person was inadvertently doing was making 18-year-old me feel dumb, stupid, naïve and just downright foolish for “falling” for what happened. (I put “falling in quotation marks like that because the truth is that I didn’t “fall” for anything. I was manipulated.)
I ended up leaving that presentation and needed to work through some grounding exercises in order to sort my head out and remind myself that it wasn’t my fault and that this person (and probably countless others) needs to be better educated about victim blaming language.
Ok, calm tone now. Let’s break this one down logically.
Yes, perpetrators can be, and are, manipulative. They are calculated. They need to be. Otherwise, the wouldn’t know how to exploit trust, power, and opportunity. They wouldn’t know how to get away with these acts for weeks, months, or even years. They wouldn’t be able to evade justice in the way that they do.
But saying that these people are “clever” can feel like a backhanded insult to the victim. What you’re basically saying is that “You were outsmarted.”
Saying “Perpetrators are clever” or “He was clever” sounds like you’re being told: “You should have known better. You should have seen it coming. You let it happen.”
What I hate most about this phrasing is that it puts the spotlight on the perpetrator’s strategy instead of the victim’s or survivor’s experience. Instead of highlighting the predatory and narcissistic behaviour, this choice of phrasing quietly paints victims as naïve, stupid, or easily fooled.
We need to remember: Perpetrators are strategic abusers, not evil geniuses. And victims must never be made to feel any ounce of blame for being targeted.
What You Could Say Instead
Instead of “Perpetrators are clever,” try this: “They were manipulative. You’re not to blame.”
4. “It Is What It Is”
This is a phrase I’ve caught myself saying on all too many an occasion. And perhaps you’ve said it to yourself, too, or to someone else.
This phrase is often used when we don’t know what to say. It’s almost a verbal shrug and a way of accepting something difficult. But when it comes to abuse, this phrase minimises harm and shuts down conversations that need to happen.
“It is what it is,” says: it happened, move on. The problem with this phrasing from a victim blaming point of view is that survivors know that it shouldn’t have happened at all.
And it’s hard to just “move on” from something that still hurts, still lingers, still affects our bodies, minds, relationships, and feelings of safety.
What You Could Say Instead
Instead of “It is what it is,” try this: “That shouldn’t have happened. How can I support you?”
Final Thoughts
Victim blaming doesn’t always come with cruel intentions. Sometimes it shows up wearing a kind face, meant as comfort, support, or wisdom.
And remember, these are just my opinions. Others might not interpret these phrases as being victim blaming at all.
But even the most well-meaning words can cut deep when they shift responsibility away from the perpetrator and onto the person who’s already been hurt. And it’s important to remember that a lot of people using these phrases aren’t intending to blame victims of sexual abuse. It’s just that they haven’t considered how these well-intentioned phrases could be interpreted from a different point of view.
But by noticing and challenging these phrases, both in our own language and in that of others, we can create space for survivors to feel seen, believed, and supported. We don’t need to wrap trauma in silver linings or to minimise it.
We just need to listen, stand beside survivors, and hold the people who cause harm accountable.
That’s how change starts and we can all be part of that change.
