How Many of Us? Looking at Sexual Violence in Everyday Spaces

We’re all carrying things people can’t see.

Some of us just get better at hiding it.

And for women who’ve experienced sexual violence, hiding becomes second nature.

Blending in.

Getting through the day.

Showing up at 3pm for the school run with a smile, even when your world feels like it’s falling apart.

It was the day after my ABE that I had a complete breakdown in the playground whilst on the school run. I detail this more in It’s All Your Fault, but for the purpose of this blog post, I’ll simply explain that the events of the day before had finally got to me. I couldn’t cope with being around so many people and noise.

I needed alone time, and probably a cup of tea.

But since that experience, whenever I do the school pickup, I’ve started to look around at the adults waiting in the playground at the end of the day a little differently than before.

How many of them have experienced violence towards them? How many of them are carrying burdens that they shouldn’t have to? And what impact is this having on the way they parent their children?

Looking at People Differently

I’ve always been a people watcher, but now I look at the smiling mum who wanders in at five minutes to 3 o’clock with her hair and make-up looking perfect, at the mum who hurries through the school gates dead at 3 pm, at the grandma who looks harassed at picking up multiple children (some I’m not even convinced are hers!); at the mums who have come from the gym, work, a day at home.

I look at them all a little differently.

I wonder how many of them have been affected in one way or another by sexual violence.

I look at the school staff who filter into the playground (largely made up of females) and wonder the same about them.

Because for those few minutes a day when I am surrounded by a couple of hundred people, I wonder how many of them share an experience like mine. I wonder how many others in this school playground on any given day have been victims of sexual violence.

And of those who have, how many have spoken to anyone about it, reported it to the police, or are still experiencing it?

The Hidden Impact of Sexual Violence

In the UK, the average primary school size is 276 pupils. In secondary schools, it’s just over 1,000 pupils.

Of these 276 primary school children, how many have women in their lives impacted by sexual violence?

Assuming that every single one of those 276 children in just one primary school has a female in their lives (and that female could be anyone including a mother, aunty, cousin, foster carer, adoptive parent; you get the point), and according to statistics that 1 in 4 women have experienced rape or sexual assault as an adult, that’s approximately 69 children per primary school who have an adult female in their lives who have experienced rape or sexual assault.

As a society, are we aware of this number of children who are part of families where a member of the family has been a victim of sexual violence?

What These Numbers Really Mean for Children

Many of these children might not have any idea of what the women they are related to have experienced in their lives.

And that’s fine; they don’t need to necessarily know.

But how do these experiences affect how these children are brought up and taught to experience the world?

Because these experiences have ripple effects.

They shape how women parent, how they show love, how they protect, how they trust, how they move through the world. They impact how we teach children about safety, about consent, about relationships and self-worth. And it makes me wonder: as a society, do we realise how many children are part of families touched by sexual violence?

Do we see the knock-on effects?

Do we talk about it enough?

Because behind the smiles, the rushing, the juggling, the quiet moments at 3pm in the playground; so many silent stories are standing right next to us.

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