Consent is a topic that I feel is so often misunderstood when it comes to grooming and sexual violence.
So, for this blog post, I want to focus on exactly what consent is and what it isn’t and look at some examples which demonstrate how consent isn’t always freely given.
We will also discuss how the grooming process affects someone’s ability to freely consent to any type of sexual activity.
What Is Consent?
Consent is a clear and enthusiastic agreement to engage in a specific activity. It is essential in all interactions, but particularly in sexual situations. Without consent, interactions become sexual assault, and the act of sex becomes rape.
There is no such thing as non-consensual sex.
There’s sex, and there’s rape.
But sexual activity does not just refer to sexual intercourse. It also refers to any type of sexual touching, kissing, hugging, etc. Without consent, these actions are those of assault.
Valid Consent
To be valid, consent must be given freely, without any form of coercion, and can be communicated through words or actions that leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that you want to participate in whatever action it is that you are consenting to.
Consenting to an activity is not just the absence of a ‘no’ but the presence of an unmistakable ‘yes.’
In the UK, most states in the USA, Australia, Canada and New Zealand, the age of consent to sexual activity is 16 years old. Worldwide, the age of consent varies from 11 years old to 21 years old, with some countries having no age of consent so long as you are married. What this means is that anyone under the legal age of consent in that country cannot legally consent to sexual activity.
Freely Given Consent
Freely given consent can be gained via:
- Verbal agreement.
- Enthusiastic participation.
- Clear communication.
- Ongoing check-ins.
- Initiation by both parties.
- Explicit agreement without pressure.
- Both partners initiate the action.
Specific Consent
Consent is specific, and by this, I mean that agreeing to one type of sexual activity does not imply consent to another.
For example, if you agree to kiss someone, this does not mean that you have agreed to anything beyond that.
If you move on from kissing and start to sexually touch each other, this requires separate, mutual consent. But just because you’ve engaged in one activity with someone, it does not mean that you consent to other activities. Each step of the sexual activity requires separate consent.
Equally, consent is not a ‘free access’ pass to your body.
Equally, consenting once to an activity does not mean that you will always consent to that activity.
Not Giving Consent and the Right to Withdraw Consent
One of the fundamental aspects of consent is that it can be withdrawn at any time. It also doesn’t have to be given in the first place.
Let me repeat that: you can withdraw your consent to any sexual activity at any point.
You also don’t have to give your consent to an activity.
It doesn’t matter how far into an act you are. It doesn’t matter what you have agreed to up until that point.
If you change your mind, then the other person needs to respect that. If you have taken part in a sexual activity with or without that person before, it doesn’t mean that you are consenting to do that action again or in the future.
And if they don’t stop when you withdraw your consent, this is when the sexual activity then becomes a sexual assault.
The other person must respect your decision if you withdraw consent. If they are pissed off, upset, or feeling any other emotion, that’s their problem, not yours.
Continuing any activity after consent has been withdrawn is a violation of your rights and is assault.
To withdraw consent, you do not need to explicitly say ‘no,’ Your body language, such as moving away from the person, trying to push them away, etc, implies that you are not consenting to the activity.
Coerced Consent Versus Freely Given Consent
Coerced consent is what it says on the tin. It is consent that is only given because the person feels that they need to give consent.
This isn’t the same as freely giving consent.
Coerced consent occurs when someone agrees to something under pressure, threats, manipulation, intimidation, or a mixture of these things. I’ve just said that I was dancing with him to pacify his behaviours. This isn’t the same as freely consenting to an activity.
If someone is being groomed, manipulation will play a factor in coercive consent.
This kind of consent is not valid because it is not freely given. However, this can be difficult to identify as you may have consented to an activity, not knowing the other person’s intentions.
To solidify this point, here are five situations where consent has been coercively obtained under pressure, manipulation, or deceit:
Scenario 1: Dating a New Partner
You and your partner have been dating for a few months. Your partner repeatedly tells you that if you really loved them, you would be willing to engage in sexual activity. Feeling guilty and worried about losing the relationship, you agree despite your reservations. Your partner is manipulating you through feelings of guilt to get you to do what they want.
Scenario 2: Getting Ultimatums
Your partner tells you that if you don’t engage in sexual activity, they will spread false rumours about you at school. You, feeling threatened and afraid of social repercussions, reluctantly agree. Here, your partner is using threats and intimidation to coerce you.
Scenario 3: The Boss
Your boss suggests that you should both ‘spend some time together’ after work to discuss your promotion prospects. When you hesitate, your boss subtly hints that it would be in your best interest to go along with their suggestion.
Feeling pressured and fearing for your job, you agree to spend time with them despite not wanting to. Your boss is taking advantage of the power dynamic they have over you to coerce you.
Scenario 4: Proving Your Love
You and your partner are in a new relationship, and they overwhelm you with affection, gifts, and constant declarations of love, only to then insist on sexual activity as a way to ‘prove’ your love for them. You feel pressured to agree because they have been so ‘generous’ and they don’t want to seem ungrateful or unloving.
They are love-bombing you and emotionally manipulating you to get them to do what they want.
Scenario 5: The Committed Relationship
Your partner convinces you that you should have sex because they promise to be in a committed relationship with you afterwards. You are unsure but agree, believing that it will lead to a deeper commitment. However, after the encounter, your partner reveals that they never intended to be in a serious relationship.
These false promises and deception are used by your partner to coerce you.
Scenario Summary
In each of these examples, the consent obtained is not truly freely given, as it involves some form of coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Agreeing to sexual activity under some form of manipulation compromises your ability to make genuine and autonomous choices.
When Consent Cannot Be Given
As we’ve discussed, consent is a fundamental aspect of any sexual interaction, ensuring that everyone involved is a willing participant in whatever sexual activity that occurs. However, there are situations where you cannot legally or ethically give consent, even if you appear to do so.
This is primarily due to a lack of capacity to make informed, voluntary decisions.
Consent requires a clear and conscious agreement, and this is compromised when someone is intoxicated, under the influence of drugs, or unable to fully understand the situation.
Being Under the Influence of Alcohol
Being under the influence of alcohol can significantly impair your ability to make informed decisions.
When someone is drunk, their cognitive functions are compromised. In this state, you cannot give clear, coherent consent because your ability to understand the situation and communicate your desires has been compromised.
In the context of grooming, some sexual offenders rely on their victim being intoxicated to assault them.
Not letting someone have an empty wine glass or plying someone with alcohol means that a groomer is actively trying to lower their victim’s control and inhibitions of their situation.
This then places the victim in an ideal situation to be sexually assaulted or raped.
And no, I’m not saying for one minute that women shouldn’t drink on a night out or at any other time.
What I’m saying is that women need to be aware that some men will take advantage of their drinking and use this situation to assault them. This isn’t the fault of the woman who was drinking, however much or little they have had.
It is always the fault of the person who chose to take advantage of their vulnerable situation.
As I keep saying, it is never the fault of the victim that they were raped or sexually assaulted.
No one chooses to have these things done to them.
As women and girls, we should be able to wear what we like, drink what we like, and live our lives however we choose without the potential of becoming the victim of sexual violence.
Consent and the Law
In both UK and Jersey law, certain types of sexual activity are considered illegal if freely given consent is not obtained beforehand.
The primary types of non-consensual offences include rape, sexual penetration without consent, sexual touching without consent, and causing someone to engage in a sexual act without their consent.
Rape
Rape occurs when a person intentionally penetrates another person’s vagina, anus, or mouth with their penis without the other person’s consent, and the offender does not reasonably believe that the other person has consented.
This is a serious crime, punishable by life imprisonment and a fine.
Sexual Penetration
Sexual penetration without consent refers to situations where a person penetrates another person’s vagina or anus with any part of their body or an object.
This offence is considered sexual and is illegal if the other person does not consent and the perpetrator does not have a reasonable belief that consent has been given. Similar to rape, this crime is also punishable by life imprisonment and a fine.
Sexual Touching Without Consent
Sexual touching without consent involves intentionally sexually touching another person without their consent and without a reasonable belief that the person has consented.
This offence carries a maximum penalty of 10 years in prison and a fine.
Causing Someone to Engage in an Act Without Consent
Causing someone to engage in a sexual act without consent is when a person intentionally causes another individual to participate in a sexual act without that individual’s consent and without a reasonable belief that they have consented. Depending on the nature of the act, this crime can lead to life imprisonment and a fine, particularly if it involves any form of penetration. If the act does not involve penetration, the maximum penalty is 10 years in prison and a fine.
These laws emphasise the importance of obtaining clear and freely given consent before engaging in any sexual activity and that there are severe penalties for those perpetrators who violate this legislation.
Examples of Coerced Sexual Touching
The examples we’ve discussed so far in this blog post have largely focused on consent for sexual intercourse. However, as we’ve just pointed out, as per the legislation, consent also needs to be sought for sexual touching and sexual acts other than penetration.
Coercion can take many shapes, including pressure, manipulation, threats, or deceit, and it can be subtle or overt. Here are some examples illustrating how coercion can manifest in situations that don’t involve sexual intercourse:
Scenario 1: The Person at a Party
You meet a person at a party, and they start touching your body in ways that make you uncomfortable. When you express your discomfort, they dismiss your feelings, saying, ‘Come on, we’re just having fun.’
Feeling embarrassed and pressured to go along with the mood, you reluctantly tolerate the behaviour.
This unwanted touching is not appropriate, and this person has no business telling you otherwise. It’s your body, and if you don’t want them touching it, then that’s your right.
Scenario 2: The Online Relationship
You are in an online relationship with your partner, and they repeatedly ask you to send nude pictures, promising to keep them private. You are hesitant, but they insist, saying it’s normal in a relationship. They accuse you of not trusting them if you refuse to send the images. Under this emotional manipulation, you send the photos despite feeling uncomfortable.
Your partner has applied pressure to you for you to send the photos over, and they had no right to do that.
Scenario 3: The Partner
Your partner pressures you into performing sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with, like oral sex, by suggesting that it’s a way to show your love and commitment. They use phrases like, ‘If you really loved me, you would do this for me,’ making you feel guilty and obliged to comply.
Your partner is putting pressure on you and making you feel guilty for not participating in the sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with, and, therefore, you are being manipulated into participating.
Scenario 4: The Date
During a date, the person you are seeing repeatedly asks you to engage in explicit talk and sexting, even though you express discomfort. They threaten to end your new relationship if you don’t comply, implying that your reluctance makes you ‘boring’ and unworthy of their time. Fearing rejection and wanting to keep the relationship, you reluctantly agree.
They have threatened you with rejection, something that has caused you panic and fear, which is driving you to participate in sexual activities that you don’t want to do.
Scenario 5: The Volunteer
You are part of an organisation, and a member who is much older than you suggests that the two of you meet up outside of the organisation meeting times. They encourage you not to tell others about these meet-ups, and the interactions between the two of you start to become sexual.
Scenario Summary
In these situations, you experience coercion to engage in sexual behaviours you are uncomfortable with, not through direct force but through psychological pressure, guilt-tripping, or manipulation. Such coercion violates the principle of freely given consent.
It’s crucial to understand that consent must be freely given, no matter the form of sexual activity.
Anything less than this is a breach of personal autonomy and respect.
The Effects of Sexual Coercion
The phrase ‘sexual act’ that I’ve used several times in this post does not just relate to sexual intercourse.
A sexual act can take many shapes or forms, including kissing, stroking of the skin, massaging, photographing, oral sex, and masturbation.
Yes, some of these acts need to have a sexual intention to be considered sexual acts, for example, taking a photograph of someone or performing a massage is not inherently sexual. However, if the act aims to elicit sexual pleasure or leads to intercourse, then it could become an act of a sexual nature.
Regardless of the activity, coerced consent in any form of sexual activity is never acceptable and can be profoundly damaging to anyone who is the victim of the sexual offence.
For someone who has experienced coerced consent, especially through grooming, I can testify to the effects lingering long after the abuse has ended. When someone is coerced into consenting, it creates a false sense of control. This makes you feel like you have a choice when, in reality, you do not. This experience can deeply undermine any trust that you have in yourself. It also severely affects your faith in your own ability to judge the character and intentions of others.
If you wrongly trusted someone before, what would stop you from trusting the wrong person in the future?
The fear of being deceived or manipulated can lead to the constant questioning of a partner, friend, or acquaintance’s true intentions.
It could be that when you meet new people, you find yourself overly cautious or suspicious and constantly on the lookout for signs that the other person may not be who they seem.
You might struggle with thoughts such as, ‘Are they really interested in me, or are they just trying to get something from me?’ This kind of hypervigilance is valid, given your past experiences.
However, this approach to relationships can be exhausting and is not sustainable in the long term. Even innocent actions by a partner, such as giving a compliment or offering to help with something, might be met with scepticism. You might wonder if there’s an ulterior motive behind these gestures. Again, being stuck in this constant cycle of doubt and anxiety is neither sustainable nor healthy for your own mental health and well-being.
This ongoing mistrust can also create barriers to intimacy.
You may find it difficult to open up emotionally or physically to others, fearing that your vulnerability will be exploited again. You might worry that expressing your true self could be used against you, and so you might hold back from expressing your needs or desires.
Whilst these actions might seem rational to you in order to survive, the downside of this method of survival is feelings of isolation, even within a relationship. It’s a catch-22 situation; you don’t let anyone in, and you keep your guard up simply because you don’t want to be hurt again.
But this also means that you are shutting out the very people who could help you. You may find it damaging to relationships to always be waiting for something to go wrong, to ‘out’ the other person, or to be proved right that they always had other ulterior motives and intentions.
As if all of this weren’t enough, as the victim of sexual coercion or grooming, you will likely (but not in every case) struggle with self-blame or guilt, questioning whether you somehow ‘allowed’ or ‘encouraged’ the sexual coercion or grooming to happen.
You may also question if you were ‘too naive’ to see the warning signs. Such feelings can make it even harder to trust a new partner or friend, as you might believe that you don’t deserve a healthy, respectful relationship. This internalised doubt can be reinforced by sexual coercion or the grooming experience, where the perpetrator may have repeatedly undermined your sense of self-worth and judgment.
I want to remind you, though, that you did not allow or encourage anyone to sexually coerce or groom you. You were not too naive to see any warning signs.
You did not choose to be groomed.
Someone chose to groom you.
When consent is ignored, the impact goes way beyond that moment in time.
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This post is adapted from a section of It's All Your Fault - due for release in 2025.
