Often, when someone is being groomed, it is their friends that notice first. Often, these friends will become suspicious and they might try and raise their concerns with their friend who is being groomed.
But these well-intentioned conversations might not be appreciated, however delicately they are handled.
In this post, we will talk about how to help a friend who is being groomed, or who you think is being groomed.
Signs That Your Friend Might be a Victim of Grooming
If you’re reading this, then I’m guessing that you already think that your friend is being groomed.
There are a lot of signs that your friend might be a victim of grooming. Some of these are easier to spot than others. If done well, the groomer will carry out their campaign of grooming in such a subtle way that you might not spot any signs that alarm you for quite some time.
However, some common signs that your friend might be being groomed include:
- Talking about an older person who is giving them special attention (especially relevant if your friend is a child or teenager)
- Becoming distant or secretive, especially about their phone
- Acting anxious, withdrawn, or suddenly defensive
- Receiving gifts, money, or being taken on trips
- Being encouraged to lie or keep things secret
Approach Them With Care and Understanding
If you’re worried that someone you know is being groomed, then I cannot stress enough how important it is to approach the situation with care and understanding. Consider it like this, if the person you’re worried about is being groomed, it’s highly unlikely that they will recognise it.
Why should they?
If the groomer is doing their job properly, the person likely won’t have a clue as to what is actually going on.
But, here are some suggestions for things that you could do if you are concerned about someone:
- Pay attention to changes
- Open up a conversation
- Encourage professional help
- Don’t push too hard
To help you with looking out for the above, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:
- Is the person becoming more withdrawn or secretive?
- Are they spending more time online or with a specific person and distancing themselves from others?
Starting THAT Conversation
When you first approach a conversation, take your time and don’t go in with an accusatory tone of the perpetrator. Instead, consider gently ask the person you’re worried about how they’re doing.
A question I favour in teaching is ‘What’s going on with you.’
I like this question for a couple of reasons:
- The person I’m speaking to is very unlikely to answer with an obligatory ‘Fine thanks, you?’ because this isn’t a direct answer to the question.
- Instead, the person is more likely to consider this question as an opportunity to open up, if they feel the need and the timing is right.
And that’s an important factor.
The person needs to feel safe to open up and the timing of the conversation needs to be right for them. However good your intentions are, you can’t force either of those things. Showing genuine concern without being accusatory is going to help the person to open up.
And you can follow up your question of ‘What’s going on with you’ with questions like, ‘How are you feeling about your relationship with [person]?’ or ‘Has anything been bothering you lately?’
Avoiding Judgement
Whatever the do or don’t tell you, though, it’s important that you try to avoid judgment.
If they do open up to you, that’s fine, that’s their choice.
They may not realise they’re being groomed, or they may be confused about their feelings, but you can’t project your concerns onto someone. The goal is to listen, offer support, and encourage them to talk about their experiences.
Seeking Professional Help
Depending on the situation, and your concerns, you might want to either encourage professional help, or find the professional help yourself.
For example, if it’s an adult who you’re concerned about, depending on what they disclose, you might want to encourage them contacting different support services.
If it is a child that you’re concerned about, then you have a responsibility by virtue of the fact that all children (people aged 18 years old and under) need safeguarding.
You might want to speak with parents, a teacher, a school counsellor, or contact your local Safeguarding Partnership Board for advice on how to report a concern about child abuse.
And whilst you might think that this sounds extreme; remember, the difference between grooming and a friendship is that a groomer will have intentions to assault or exploit their victim in one way or another. If you are dealing with a child, this is a safeguarding concern.
Be Supportive
Ultimately, though, whatever age the friend you think is being groomed is, it’s important not to push them too hard. While it’s important to be supportive, pushing someone too hard can make them shut down or push you away.
Give them space to process their feelings but let them know you’re there for them when they’re ready.
Sometimes people can’t see the danger they’re in. And whilst this might be very frustrating for you, the best thing you can do is be available for that person when they do come to you.
Hopefully, it goes without saying that if you believe someone is in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to reach out to the police or a safeguarding professional. There are also support services that can help. It’s better to err on the side of caution when it comes to protecting someone who might be at risk.
Summary of How to Help a Friend Who is Being Groomed
- Approach them with care and without judgment
- Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult (if they are a child or teenager) – this could be a teacher, parent, youth worker, etc
- Offer support, but don’t pressure them
- Keep records of concerning conversations (screenshots, messages)
- Report concerns anonymously if needed
- Report concerns about anyone under the age of 18 to NSPCC, CEOP, or the police. For anyone over the age of 18, you can take your concerns to the police
- Understand that your friend may not see the danger yet
This post is adapted from a section of Hiding in Plain Sight - due for release in 2026.
