The 2 Step Grooming Process That Every Parent Needs to Know About

Grooming isn’t always, if ever, obvious. After all, if the grooming process were easy to spot, we’d stop it before abuse could happen.

The trouble with spotting the signs of grooming is because the grooming process is often subtle, calculated, and disguised as the perpetrator being caring and affectionate.

As technology has progressed, parents and those who work with children and teenagers are no longer just on the lookout for grooming that they can physically see.

Nowadays, a lot of grooming takes place online. There are even statistics that suggest that some children are getting groomed online in less than 60 minutes.

With this in mind, it seems more important than ever for parents to be aware of the grooming process and how it might present in children.

What is Grooming?

Before we dive into the two-step grooming process, we should probably define what grooming is.

Interestingly, there is no universal definition as to the meaning of ‘grooming.’

On saying that, though, it doesn’t matter which definition of grooming you do use, everyone seems to be of the opinion that grooming is the manipulative process of gaining the trust of someone in order to abuse them.

The definition of grooming that I like comes from the Metropolitan Police:

‘Grooming is when a person builds a relationship with a child, young person or an adult who’s at risk so they can abuse them and manipulate them into doing things. The abuse is usually sexual or financial, but it can also include other illegal acts. Grooming can take place online or in person and it can happen over a short or long period – from days to years.’

Although this definition doesn’t consider what happens after the abuse takes place (also known as post-abuse maintenance), it is a pretty in-depth explanation.

How Groomers Choose Their Victim

Whilst some groomers are opportunistic, they are more likely to know the person that they target than be a stranger to their victim.

Groomers target a range of people, for a range of reasons.

Some groomers prefer to prey on adults, some teenagers, and for some, it’s younger children.

The characteristics of a person that the groomer is drawn to can also vary.

Some groomers prefer victims because of their gender, physical appearance, lack of adult supervision, or age.

In summary, groomers target people of all ages, but especially:

• Children and teenagers
• Individuals lacking strong adult supervision
• People with vulnerabilities (emotional, psychological, or situational)

Their choice of victim can be influenced by:

• Age
• Gender
• Appearance
• Social or emotional needs

How Perpetrators Groom Their Victims

Regardless of who the groomer is, and who they are targeting, though, grooming nearly always involves some element of coercive control in order to ensure that the victim trusts the groomer enough so that the groomer can move from being a person who is trusted, to an abuser.

According to research, most groomers will follow a two-step process to groom their victims.

Whilst on the surface this process may seem simple, it is carefully designed by the perpetrator to go unnoticed and to not raise alarm of suspicion.

This grooming process is calculated and designed not to be seen until it’s too late, if ever.

The theory of there being two phases of the grooming process bases itself on the perpetrator having three key characteristics. These are:

1. Being self-regulated
2. Assuming, and
3. Goal-driven.

Essentially, the person who is grooming their victim knows exactly what they are doing and has a long-term goal in mind.

Unfortunately, this long-term goal is very often some sort of abuse.

According to the theory, grooming occurs in two phases:

1. Building rapport, and
2. Desensitisation.

Step 1 of the Grooming Process: Gaining Trust

The rapport-building phase aims to test a potential victim’s boundaries.

A perpetrator does this by offering incentives, reducing the inhibitions of their intended victim, and managing the security that the victim feels around them.

These acts may start incredibly small before progressing.

The problem with the progressive acts is that they are built up over time. Although they may (or may not) seem like a big deal to an outsider, they aren’t as obvious (if at all) to a victim.

Step 2 of the Grooming Process: Use Trust to Abuse

Over time, this behaviour then shifts to the desensitisation phase.

It’s this slow desensitisation to what a victim is experiencing means that if questioned, a victim is more likely to downplay the behaviours that the perpetrator is exhibiting towards them.

For example, a girl slow dancing with a man may not feel like a big deal to her.

This could be particularly so if he has already desensitised her to touch by placing a brief hand on her throughout the evening and has initiated and received reciprocation for a hug.

As this closeness and desensitisation continues, the perpetrator is enabled to achieve their goal and can continue and progress to commit an act of sexual violence.

It’s a manipulative process and one that’s hard to identify, often until it’s too late.

Another example could be an adult who has bought multiple gifts for a child. They have gained the child’s trust by giving them ‘thoughtful’ gifts that relate to the child’s interests.

These gifts don’t have to be huge or extravagant, either. It could be something as simple as £5 credit for an online game they like to play.

Before long, though, these gifts, however big or small, have created trust between the victim and the perpetrator. This trust is then used to abuse.

These two phases of grooming further support the idea that groomers are tactical, manipulative, and have specific intentions for their chosen victim or victims.

By being aware of this grooming process, we can be more aware of the warning signs of grooming. Awareness means that we can help protect the children in our lives and those in our wider communities.

Summary